


The Window To His Soul

by ctrling



Series: Phan One-Shots [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff, M/M, Phandom Big Bang 2015, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 12:14:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5090303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctrling/pseuds/ctrling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>for the 2015 phandom big bang<br/>artist: <a href="http://quartzphan.tumblr.com">quartzphan</a> art <a href="http://quartzphan.tumblr.com/post/132027282918/this-doesnt-have-to-be-awkward-dan-says">here</a><br/>beta: <a href="http://phan-happily-ever-after.tumblr.com">phan-happily-ever-after</a><br/>summary: Phil’s hope has always rested in a soulmate he’s never met, but when he moves to a new town and his eyes change from black to blue, he embarks on a mission to find his soulmate with the help of of his new friend, Dan, that has him questioning everything he’s ever wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Window To His Soul

**Author's Note:**

> wow, it’s been such a long journey writing this thing. it’s the longest one-shot i’ve written to date and i still cannot believe i finished it. i would like to thank my beta and my artist for helping me out with the story, so it could become what it is today.

Phil stares into the mirror with hollow eyes that express no emotion. Black, cold eyes stare back at him like an endless void. Phil is a happy person, but his eyes do nothing to reflect that, which makes him bitter whenever he looks at his reflection in the mirror.

                He knows his eyes won’t be colourful until he finds his soulmate and because of that, he wishes for nothing more than the one who will give him colour.

                But the majority frowns upon him for his “twisted” view. Soulmates aren’t supposed to be something that people want, because you are supposed to find your own soulmate, not the one who you were picked to be with.

                Phil is different than the majority. He thinks that predetermined soulmates are a good way to find the one. And he wants to find the one. He’s afraid that if he doesn’t find his soulmate he’ll be alone forever and if the universe thinks that he’s meant to be with that one person, he doesn’t understand why he shouldn’t end up with that person.

                He can’t help but think that he’s a defect as he turns his head away from the bathroom mirror, no longer wanting to look into his sad eyes.

                Plus, he needs to get to school. It’s October, the schools having started a month ago, but Phil’s parents had apparently thought it was a good idea to move in the beginning of the school year and now he is going to a new school for Year 12. Personally, he doesn’t agree with his parents because he knew that by age sixteen, most teenagers are already in their groups. Even if their friends from Secondary school moved to a different school, school has been in session for a month, and after a month, most groups are already formed. The way he sees it, he’s going to be lucky to make any friends.

                He lets out a sigh as he picks up his tinted glasses that allow no one to see the colour of his eyes. The glasses aren’t anything special: they’re plastic and look pretty much like sunglasses, except they only act like sunglasses when you’re out in the sun and somehow don’t affect how you see in any other settings. Before these glasses were invented, they used sunglasses to hide their eye colours. Either way, Phil doesn’t like wearing glasses like these.

                (He also hates the options these glasses provide for someone who has to wear glasses to correct their vision: they can either order special, expensive glasses online with the correct prescription or wear contacts.  He personally prefers wearing contacts, but either way, it’s already annoying enough to have to wear corrective lenses but to have to wear sunglass-like-glasses makes it worse in his mind.)

                “Philip!” his mum yells at him from somewhere else in the house. “You need to hurry up or you’re going to be late for your first day!”

                “I’m coming!” he says despite the fact that he’s still standing in the bathroom with no motivation to move.

                He looks down at the outfit he’s wearing. He has on black slacks with a white button-up and a tie. He has a jacket, but he’s not wearing it right now. It’s slung over his shoulder, waiting to be worn, but he’s been putting off putting it on because once it’s on, everything will be too real and he’s not ready for that yet.

                Knowing that he doesn’t have anything else to do, he leaves the bathroom reluctantly, making his way down the stairs and into the living room sluggishly.

                His mum’s standing by the door with a rather impatient look on her face by the time he reaches the living room. He can tell that she’s not happy with him and on any other day, he would probably care and feel guilty, but he’s still so unsure about everything that he doesn’t have it in him today.

                “Hurry up!” she says as he puts on his shoes. “Imagine how embarrassing it would be to show up late on your first day!”

                On the inside, he doesn’t think that it would be any more embarrassing than showing up on time, but he entertains her idea for a few seconds, pretending like he actually she’s where she’s coming from.

                After he’s done slipping on his shoes, they’re out the door, his mum repeatedly yelling at him to _move faster_ and to _hurry up_. He speeds up marginally, but it’s nothing significant and his mother is stuck waiting for him inside her car. He reaches it eventually and opens the door, climbing in and slamming the door shut.

                “Phil,” his mother says, “I know you don’t think that this is going to be all that great, but I’m sure you’ll make lots of friends and you might even meet someone.”

                He glances over at his mother as she’s speaking and starting the car. He rolls his eyes at her ignorance of how he feels. Somehow, his mother has managed to remain completely oblivious to his feelings and she still seems stuck on the idea that he didn’t need his soulmate. After all, his father isn’t his mother’s soulmate and they love each other. In terms of her views on soulmates, she pretty much agrees with the government and she always seems to wear her glasses proudly.

                “Mum,” he says in a whiney voice, folding his arms over his chest and looking out the window with a pout on his face, “everybody’s already formed their friend groups.”

                “Oh, honey,” she says as she drives, “I’m sure that’s not true. You’ll meet many friends; you’re a lovely boy. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with you?”

                His mother is truly ignorant, he thinks as the distance between him and his new school decreases.

                He’s thinking of the friends he left behind when they finally pull into the parking lot. It had been hard and even though he has their numbers and they have his, he knows that they won’t talk much, if at all, because they all suck at keeping in contact.

                “Phil,” his mum snaps at him, ripping him from his thoughts, “we’re here.”

 

The beginning of his day had been a big blur of figuring out where everything is, but he’s going to his second class now and he’s got a basic understanding of the layout of the school, with no help from the lousy school map that he had been given along with his timetable.

                Phil stands awkwardly at the front of his class when he finally reaches it, having no clue where he should sit.

                “Ah, you must be the new student,” the teacher says when he notices him. “Phil, right?”

                Phil nods shyly as he mumbles out a small yes.

                “You can sit right there,” he says, pointing towards a seat near the back of the classroom.

                “Okay,” Phil says quietly and he starts walking towards the seat in the back. There’s a guy right next to him with brown hair styled much like Phil’s, except his fringe goes in the opposite direction of Phil’s. The guy is slouched over in his seat, his head turned down facing the desks, and he’s tapping on the desk, mumbling words under his breath.

                He wishes that he could see the guy’s eyes because he truly believes that the eyes are the window to the soul (and he’s also curious as to whether or not the guy has his soulmate because he finds people that have already found their soulmate interesting).

                But it doesn’t matter what he wants, so he knows not to dwell on those thoughts too long.

                “Hi,” Phil says after sitting down. Despite his previous thoughts that told him that he wouldn’t make any friends, he still wants to try because even if his time here is miserable, he knows that his parents won’t move him back home.

                “Hey,” the guy says, moving his head to look at Phil. He brushes his fringe to the side about. “I’m Dan.”

                “Phil,” he says. He wants to say more, but the teacher starts to talk before he can get anything else and he doesn’t want to get in trouble on his first day.

***

Most of his classes were a blur of meeting new people and trying to focus on what the teacher was saying. He doesn’t remember most of the names of the people he met, except for this girl Zoe. She was in his last class of the day, and she was really sweet. She has brown hair that ends in blonde and she was really thin. He didn’t get to talk to her that much before they had to keep quiet, but he can already tell that she would make a good friend.

                Now, he’s at home and he’s about to go to sleep. It has been a long day and Phil just wants to relax in bed, but he has to shower first.

                He’s standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself with his glasses still on, willing his body to clean itself because he’s really tired. But he knows that it doesn’t work so eventually he pulls off his glasses.

                He’s surprised to say the least when he sees his eyes. They’re blue, instead of the black darkness that he had found himself staring at before going to school. He lets out a squeal of happiness as he stares at his reflection a little bit longer. His eyes are gorgeous, he thinks, and they are indescribable in the fact that they’re blue but they’re also so much more. They are definitely blue, he notes, staring at them—that much is clear—but they have sprinkles of other colours scattered throughout them and he’s not even sure what colours they are, but they’re pretty regardless.

                Instantly, he starts to think about when they could have changed colours. Obviously, it happened during school, but he can’t think of which period because he didn’t see his eyes in between any classes.

                He doesn’t know much about eyes changing, but he knows that the colour starts in the center and works its way outwards. He also knows that it only takes a few minutes at most and it happens when the two halves of your soul come together or, in other words, when you meet your soulmate. Besides that, he’s clueless.

                He wants to tell someone, but he knows he can’t. His parents agree with the government and he’s not close enough with anybody at his new school to trust them and he’s already decided that he’s not going to maintain his friendship with everyone back in his old town.

                In the end, he decides to keep it to himself for now because he thinks it’s for the best.

***

The next day, he’s sitting in class when the teacher passes out a worksheet that’s supposed to be done in pairs. Because Dan’s the only person he knows the name of in the class, he pairs up with him.

                Phil has two classes with Dan so far: he had one of them yesterday and another today. And he really thinks that they have a shot at a friendship, but he’s not sure if he’s thinking that because he’s really desperate to tell someone about his eyes or because he truly believes it. Either way, he decides to start up a conversation with him as they work.

                “So what’s your favorite band?” Phil asks as they’re half way through the worksheet.

                “Muse,” Dan answers offhandedly, focusing on writing.

                “Oh! That’s mine, too,” Phil says happily and he’s starting to think that even if the thought first popped into his head out of desperation, maybe he’s right about thinking that he and Dan will make good friends.

                They have lots of stuff in common it seems. They like a lot of the same bands and animes and video games. Their shared interests mean that they have a lot to talk about and the conversation easily flows between the two. And right before they have to part ways, Phil learns that Dan’s obsessed with the fictional world of _Winnie the Pooh_.

***

When lunch comes around, they’re stuck on the conversation of soulmates and Phil’s not quite sure how they ended up where they are.

                “I think the whole soulmate thing is just crap. I mean, who actually decided that that’s why our eyes change when we meet somebody? Maybe our eyes change colour because we’ve hit the spot in our lives where everything is just going to get better or some shit. Personally, I think there are no such things as soulmates,” Dan says, tapping his fingers on the table. “What about you? What do you think?”

                Phil’s in the middle of eating his chips when Dan says this and he has to put down his food. He doesn’t think any less of Dan because of what he thinks, but a part of him had hoped that he would share his opinion when it came to soulmates.

                “I think soulmates are great. I guess I just really like the idea of having one person who I’m meant to be with,” Phil says, ignoring his want to tell Dan about his eyes. He knows that he wouldn’t agree anyway, but still, it’s hard to keep such a big secret to himself.

                “But surely you realize that there is a reason that the government makes us wear these glasses,” Dan says, motioning towards his glasses lazily.

                “Governments do things that give them more power,” Phil answers confidently.

                He’s forgotten about his food in favour of debating this topic with Dan and now, he’s leaning up against the lunch table, with his arms resting out in front of him.

                “That may be so,” Dan says, tapping his fingers while staring directly at Phil, “but I think they’re doing this because soulmates aren’t real and they don’t want anyone to dedicate their life to that type of bullshit.”

                “Or maybe they’re doing it to make it look like they know everything.”

                Their argument lasts for the rest of lunch, but it’s nothing serious and they end on good terms, agreeing to disagree.

***

Phil’s not a big fan of his last class of the day, but then again, he’s not a big fan of this school in general simply because it’s a different school than the one he had previously attended. Maybe he’s being too negative, but because of the fact that he doesn’t have many friends in general, he only has potential friend in this class and he’s not even sure if the girl, Zoe, feels the same way.

                He gets to the class before the bell rings and he takes his seat next to Zoe.

                “Do you think soulmates are fake?” he asks shortly after sitting down. He doesn’t know what prompted him to ask. Sure, he’s had the conversation he shared with Dan stuck in his head ever since it happened, but he doesn’t think that it’s a very good question to ask someone who you’re not even friends with.

                “I don’t think that they’re fake,” she says, “but I don’t think that they have to be romantic either. When I met my soulmate, we tried a relationship, but it just didn’t work out. We’re friends now, though. What about you?”

                “I agree with you,” he says even though he’s not quite sure that he does. He’s always pictured himself marrying his soulmate and never once before had it crossed his mind that the word soulmate doesn’t necessarily mean someone you are romantically connected to.

                The more he thinks about it, the more he starts to agree though. After all, if there’s only one person out there for you who is your soulmate and you can only truly love them romantically, then why do people fall in love with people who aren’t their soulmates all the time?

                But he still hopes that his soulmate is romantic.

                When he sorts out his confusing thoughts, he wants to ask her about how she met her soulmate, but the bell rings before he can and he knows not to talk while class is in session.

                He’s not really paying attention to what the teacher has to say. His mind is too full of thoughts of who his soulmate is to think properly, but he still manages to take the notes that he needs regardless of the fact that everything is going in one ear and coming right out the next.

                He subconsciously starts tapping his fingers on his desk as he waits for the bell to ring. He’s fidgeting in his seat, bouncing his legs, making it look like he has to go pee, and he just really wants to be dismissed.

                The bell starts to ring, loud and clear, and he stops fidgeting almost immediately, choosing to gather up his stuff instead.

                He knows that he has to move quickly if he wants to get to her before he leaves, so he has all of his stuff in his hands in a matter of seconds. Luckily enough for him, Zoe’s not done by the time he is.

                “You don’t have to answer,” he says, watching her as she picks up her stuff, “but I was wondering . . . how did you meet your soulmate?”

                She finishes gathering her stuff before answering. Turning to face Phil, she says, “I met him when he moved in next door. I didn’t know immediately, but I eventually found out.”

                “Cool,” Phil responds, having no clue what to say.

                “Yeah,” she says, starting to walk towards the door. “I have to get going. Bye!”

                “Bye,” he mumbles. She’s far enough ahead that he’s pretty sure she didn’t hear, but her response has given him an idea. If she didn’t find her soulmate right after her eyes changed, he figures that she must have done some searching. So why can’t he search for his?

                He knows that there are probably a million reasons why he shouldn’t, one of them being that the government and his parents would definitely not approve, but he feels like he has a right to know.

                The only problem is that he can’t think of a way to search without it being blatantly obvious what he’s doing. He wants to be discrete, but without going up to a person and asking them if their eyes changed colour on the exact date that Phil first came there, he’s not sure how he can figure out if someone could be his potential soulmate.

                He doesn’t go straight to his locker after he comes up with his idea to search. Instead, he goes to Dan because even if Dan doesn’t believe in soulmates and even if he’s not going to tell Dan right now, he’s curious and it’s the only thing that he can think of right now. Phil’s glad to see that Dan hasn’t left by the time he reaches his locker and most importantly, he’s glad that he’s found it and he’s glad that it’s close enough to his own locker.

                “Do you happen to know anybody whose eyes have recently changed colour?” he asks in a straightforward manner.

                “No,” Dan answers skeptically, eying Phil wearily as he closes his locker and puts on his backpack. “Nobody really talks about those things around me. Why?”

                Disappoint floods his body at Dan’s words. He knew asking Dan was a long shot, but all he’s thinking about is soulmate and who they are and he’s becoming desperate.

                “I don’t know; I was just wondering,” he lies. “I just find soulmates really interesting and I know this one girl who has met their soulmate so it got me thinking, I guess.” They stare at each other for a few seconds before Phil says that he has to go and they part ways.

                His mind is still a whirlwind of thoughts about his soulmate and he’s disappointed that he’s still right where he started.

***

A week has already passed since Phil’s first day and he thinks that it’s safe to say that he has made a friend. He might even say that he’s made two friends, because even though he only talks to Zoe occasionally, he enjoys their conversations and they seem to have enough in common. And okay, maybe he’s a little desperate to have more than one friend that he’s considering her a friend, but truthfully, he thinks that a friendship could work between them.

                And his assumption that Dan’s now his friend is proven correct during the class they have together.

                “So,” Dan whispers, his eyes darting back and forth between Phil and the teacher, “do you want to hang out with me after school? Me and my friends were thinking about going to the shopping centre.”

                “Sure,” Phil says back, his voice quiet to avoid getting caught.

                “Meet me at my locker after school.”

                They don’t say anything after that, both turning back to pay attention to the lesson. Phil starts quickly jotting down notes to make up for what he missed when he was talking to Dan.

***

There’s a shopping centre not too far from the centre of town and that’s where they end up going to hang out. Phil barely knows Dan’s two friends, but he does recognize them from a few of his classes. However, Dan has to introduce them and tell him their names because they had completely slipped his mind. When he’s told their names, he makes a mental note: PJ’s the one with the curly brown hair and Chris is the one with the straight brown hair.

                “How do you feel about short films?” is the first thing that PJ asks him. It’s an odd question, he has to admit.

                “Really?” Chris asks, lightly slapping PJ’s arm. “This is why you don’t make any friends: you don’t start interesting conversations.”

                “What? It’s an important question!” PJ says in defense. “Do you have anything better?”

                “In fact I do,” Chris responds. Turning to look at Phil, he says, “Do you want to have sex?”

                Phil splutters at his question, completely flabbergasted. He feels the heat rush to his cheeks, causing a light blush to appear on his cheeks, as he tries to think of a way to respond to that question. But all he can get out are a series of _um_ and _uh_ as he is in no state to articulate a response. It takes a few minutes of them walking in silence, with both Chris and PJ looking at him with humoured expressions, before he finally calms down.

                “Are they always like this?” he asks Dan as soon as he can form coherent thoughts once again.

                The blush on his cheeks has started to fade, but there is still a rosy colour left behind it in its wake and he’s not quite sure if he’ll ever get over the embarrassment of being asked about sex by somebody he barely knows. Of course, he knows the question was designed to get this kind of reaction from him, but even his rational thoughts can’t change his natural reaction.

                “Pretty much,” Dan says, flourishing his hand to signify that it’s nothing new. “They thinks it’s endearing; I think it’s annoying.”

                “It is endearing!” Chris yells while slapping Dan, who is between him and Phil, with PJ right next to Chris. 

                They don’t really go into many shops and if they do, they barely look around. Most of the time at the shopping centre is spent sharing jokes and laughing at each other. It’s a natural fit for Phil and he soon finds himself joining in, but there is one nagging thought in the back of his head that appears when he notices PJ and Chris are holding hands. He doesn’t want to be rude nor does he want to disrupt the laughter, but he’s curious nonetheless. Either way, he’s enjoying his time and he thinks that he has two more potential friends, so it’s best to ask Dan later.

                So far, Phil’s learned that Chris is the sexual one and the class clown type, while PJ’s the artistic one and the film geek type, but their personalities seem to match up in a way that Phil would expect from two soulmates. And even though they act like they’re from two different worlds, they clearly care for each other.

                Phil’s not sure where Dan fits into all of this. He can tell that they’re good friends (after all, they are sharing multiple inside jokes that only good friends could possibly share). But if the two other guys are dating, then he doesn’t understand how Dan doesn’t feel like a third wheel sometimes.

                The time they spend at the shopping centre passes by in a whirlwind and before he knows it, they’re leaving. All four of them had walked to the shopping centre, which means that they are going to have to walk back.

                “Bye!” PJ says, taking off with Chris, their hands still clasped together tightly. “We should hang out again sometime soon.”

                Phil hopes he was talking about hanging out with him, too, but he doesn’t say anything, afraid of over stepping his boundaries.

                “Peej and Chris live close to each other,” Dan explains once they’re gone, “which is why they’re walking home without us. You don’t that way, right?” Dan points in the direction that the two boys had gone in.

                “No, I live somewhere in that direction,” Phil says vaguely. He’s suddenly glad that he did some quick sightseeing before moving here because he does have a small clue as to how to get back home from the shopping centre.

                “Okay, good,” Dan says. “I live somewhere over there, too. Do you know how to get home from here?”

                “Kind of,” Phil responds, “but I’m not fully sure.”

                They’re still standing on the pavement in front of the shopping centre. Phil’s feet are beginning to hurt from standing up for so long and he’s really not looking forward to wandering around until he finds where he’s going.

                “Do you know your address?”

                Phil rattles off his address to Dan and luckily, Dan has a pretty good idea of where it is and it happens to be fairly close to where he lives also. As soon as they’ve figured out where they’re going, they start walking.

                “So . . .” Phil says rather awkwardly, “are PJ and Chris a couple or something?”

                “Yeah,” Dan responds, “they’re soulmates.”

                Phil tries not to look so shocked when he hears Dan say this, but he had not been expecting this. If Dan is against soulmates, he didn’t understand why he would be friends with two soulmates who are clearly in a relationship.

                “But I thought you hated soulmates?” Phil asks, looking at Dan to see his reaction.

                Dan turns to look at Phil briefly before glancing back at what’s in front of them.

                “I do, but they don’t,” he says, “and as long as they’re happy, I’m okay with it.”

                Their conversation is cut short because Phil soon sees his house up ahead. They walk in somber silence the rest of the way and the only sound that fills the air is the rustling of the leaves from the wind, paired with the sound of their trainers hitting the ground.

                “Bye,” Dan says when they reach Phil’s front door.

                “Bye,” Phil reciprocates. “I had a good time today. Thanks for inviting me.”

                “You’re welcome. I’m glad you came along.”

                When Phil finally gets inside, he allows his thoughts about soulmates to consume him once again. Seeing PJ and Chris and knowing that they were romantic soulmates fuels his desire to find his soulmate even more and now that he’s alone with his thoughts, it’s all he can think about. He knows he’s becoming quite obsessive, but he can’t help it. He wants— _needs_ —to find out whom his soulmate is and he’s not sure that he can wait any longer. 

***

A few weeks pass by in a blur of false leads and he’s getting nowhere. All he sees are dark-tinted sunglasses and he’s starting to think that eyes are a thing of the past. And he’s an optimist—he really is—but it’s hard being optimistic when he’s been working on this for quite some time and he still has nothing. So he decides it’s time to enlist the help of his (best) friend. (He’s hesitant to call him his best friend because they’ve only been talking for around a month, but he’s also aware of the fact that he doesn’t have many friends and out of the small group he has, Dan is most definitely the best.)

                He invites Dan over to his house because he doesn’t know how else to tell him and it seems like having him over is the best way to start. They spend much of the afternoon playing video games and listening to music. It’s lame in the sense that he can do it on his own and it’s become a mundane ritual for him, but it’s oddly different when he’s doing it with someone else and he enjoys it very much. It’s not until they’re both lying down in Phil’s bed—possibly seconds away from falling asleep—when he finally builds up the confidence to say something.

                It’s weird for him to still have his glasses on this late (he’s sure it’s weird for Dan, too), but once he gets this off his chest, he won’t have to worry about that because he’ll be able to take them off.

                “You know how you don’t believe in soulmates?” Phil says, staring at his ceiling watching as the darkness starts to blur together and he forms irregular shapes with his mind. He’s trying to distract himself, but it’s barely working. His heart is still racing and he’s hoping that this won’t be the end of their friendship.

                Dan makes a sound of agreement, an odd mix of sounds that serve to show just how tired he is.

                “You wouldn’t think it’s crazy if I tried to find my soulmate, would you?” Phil asks hesitantly, turning to look at Dan. Dan’s facing the opposite way of Phil, but Phil can clearly see him start to shift so he’s eventually facing him.

                “Of course I’d think it’s crazy, but if it’s what you want, then I’m only going to be supportive,” Dan says looking at Phil with curious eyes that Phil can hardly make out in the darkness that surrounds them, but he manages to see them and he knows that there is no backing out. But Phil’s calmer knowing that Dan’s okay with it.

                “Okay, good, because my eyes are blue,” Phil says, his voice quiet as if it’s hard for him to force the words out. And it is. He’s not as scared as he was a few seconds earlier, but he’s been keeping a secret from Dan and he knows you aren’t supposed to have secrets in friendship.

                It seems like an eternity before Dan responds, an eternity spent by staring at Dan and hoping—praying—that he’ll have some sort of idea of how Phil might be able to find whoever his soulmate is. At the very least, he just wants a friend who is willing to help out.

                “Oh, are they pretty?” Dan asks. “Will you show them to be in the morning?”

                “Sure,” Phil says, reaching to take off his glasses. “It feels so nice to be able to take these off now. I didn’t want to have to wait until you were two seconds away from falling asleep before I took them off.”

                “I was two seconds from falling asleep before you brought this up,” Dan says, turning away from Phil and pulling off his glasses, “but I don’t mind.”

                He’s not sure why Dan had to turn away before he took off his glasses, but he doesn’t ask because he has more pressing issues on his mind.

                “Do you think you could help me find my soulmate?” he asks after a few boring seconds that were spent in a comfortable silence. “You don’t have to do it, but I’ve been trying to do it on my own for a while now and it hasn’t been working.”

                “Sure,” Dan answers. “Do you have any plans on how we can do it?”

                Phil rattles off his poorly planned plan: he tells him how it happened in one of his classes on the first day so they need to make a list of all the girls in his classes (it never even occurs to him that it could be a guy until Dan interrupts him and brings it up, but he says that he’s only ever had a crush on a girl and that’s that); he tells him how he thinks they should make a list of all the girls in his classes and go around asking people and listening in on conversations to start crossing people off the list. It’s a weak plan with many flaws, but it’s all they’ve got and Phil doesn’t know about Dan, but his mind is kind of muddled do to sleep right now. Soon after, Phil falls asleep, but not before he agrees with Dan that they’ll talk in the morning.

 

Come morning, Phil is extremely excited to show Dan his eyes. He’s confident that he’ll find them pretty, because Phil still finds them mesmerizing and he sees them every morning and every night. As soon as Phil sees Dan reach for his tinted glasses, he’s calling out his name, asking if he still wants to see his eyes.

                “I thought you said they’re blue,” is the first thing Dan says after turning to look at Phil’s eyes.

                Phil gives Dan a curious look and says, “They _are_ blue.”

                “Yes, but they’re also so much more. There’s a whole mix of colours inside your eyes. By saying they’re blue you’re doing them an injustice.”

                Phil blushes at Dan’s words and thinks back to his own reaction he had when first seeing his eyes and he remembers being shocked at how they look like someone stuffed a whole painting full of colours into them. He understands where Dan’s coming from.

                “I guess you’re right,” Phil says, sounding like he’s in awe. “They are so much more.”

                After they’re both done gushing about how beautiful Phil’s eyes are (and they do spend a lot of time discussing this), Phil forces Dan and himself to get out of bed so they can start to work on making a list. It’s boring work and it’s excruciating because Phil has a lot of girls in his classes and sure, he only has to worry about the classes he had on his first day, but there are still a lot of girls in question.

                “At least I know it can’t be Zoe,” Phil says after about forty-five minutes spent in agonizing torture. He’s trying to lighten the mood, but it’s clearly not working when he sees Dan’s unamused face glare at him.

                They have a piece of lined notebook paper lying on the table in front of them with a list of only about twenty girls. Dan’s sitting on a chair right next to them and he’s quietly tapping his fingers to an unknown tune as Phil searches his brain for other girls who are in his classes. He’s drawing his blank and he doesn’t think he remembers any of the other girls. He can’t even picture half of them, so he knows that there is nothing else that he can do at the moment.

                “We should take a break,” he says, “because I just might go insane if I spend another ten minutes going nowhere fast.”

***

“You did say that a girl named Leigh Meyers is in one of your classes, right?” Dan asks a week later. He’s got a smile on his face that tells Phil that he’s gotten into this search for Phil’s soulmate just as much as Phil has. He looks like the type of happy that should be accompanied by jumping up and down and clapping hands.

                “Yeah,” Phil says, shutting his locker. “She’s actually in the class I’m heading to now. Why?”

                Dan leans up against the row of lockers. “Well, I may have heard her talking about looking for her soulmate and somewhere in there she said something about a month. I think if she meant that it’s been a month since her eyes changed, the timeline matches up.”

                “Really?” Phil asks excitedly and now _he_ wants to be the one jumping up and down while clapping his hands. He starts imagining Leigh and him becoming a thing almost immediately and he can picture them going on dates and holding hands and sharing passionate kisses. He knows he’s becoming too used to the idea too soon, but he’s wanted to find his soulmate before his eyes even changed colour. Plus, actually having someone who could potentially be his soulmate makes him feel lighter and happier. (He finally understands why cartoonists always have people who are in love floating at some point because he feels like he could float.)

                “Yes!” Dan nods happily.

                “I’ll have to ask her when I get to class,” Phil says, slowly starting to walk away from Dan with his books in his hands. “I’ll see you later.”

                “Bye,” Dan says right after Phil turns his back so he’s no longer looking at him.

                Luckily enough for Phil, the walk to his class is short as he isn’t sure that he can wait too much longer. He has a physical _need_ to ask for Leigh to confirm when she had her eyes changed and if he doesn’t ask soon, he think he’s going to burst in a metaphorical sense. And okay, so maybe he knows he’s being melodramatic, but he keeps fantasizing about her—her being whoever his soulmate is, who just might be Leigh.

                Leigh doesn’t sit right next to him, but she’s alone when he gets there and he’s too excited to care about making a fool of himself.

                Leigh’s a pretty girl, Phil must admit. She’s got curly brown hair. Her skins not super tan, but it’s not pale like Phil’s either. She’s got fairly slim build, with soft curves instead of sharp edges. And he knows that he’s not the only one who finds her pretty. He’s seen guys hit on her before and she always takes it nicely and politely. She’s friendly and cute and Phil thinks she would make a good soulmate.

                “Hi,” he says with a small, friendly smile on his face.

                She looks up at him and shoots him a curious look before replying, “Hi.”

                “I was wondering, do you have colour eyes?”

                Honestly, he didn’t expect it to be this awkward, but he’s not going to let anything slow him down because he going crazy.

                “Yeah,” she answers. “Why do you ask?”

                “I was wondering when they changed colours,” Phil answers, “because mine changed colours on my first day here, which was about a month ago, and I’ve been trying to find my soulmate ever since.”

                “Oh, I’m sorry,” Leigh says, frowning slightly while shifting in her seat, “but my eyes changed a few months ago. I only started looking a little over a month ago, but they’ve been brown for months now.”

                The frown that takes over Phil’s smile is instant and all sense of happiness that he had previous felt disappears. The only good thing to come out of this is that he has another name he can cross off his list. His shoulders drop and he lets out of long, sad sigh. The images in his mind of him  and Leigh dating vanish and are replaced by blank slots that leave little room for hope.

                 “Oh, thanks for telling me anyway,” Phil says dejectedly. “I hope you find your soulmate soon.”

                “You too,” Leigh says.

                Phil walks back to his seat slowly, zombie-like, and he barely makes it to his seat before the bell rings. He spends the whole class period in a melancholy state and he can’t focus on what the teachers saying as he’s mindlessly doodling in his notebook.

***

He’s in his class that he shares with Zoe now and he wants to talk to her about soulmates again because she’s has first-hand experience.

                As soon as he sits down, he asks her, “Do you think it’s worth it to search for your soulmate?”

                She turns to look at him and nods. “Yes,” she says, “and just because the government says no doesn’t mean anything. People shouldn’t expect to fall in love with their soulmates, but they should at least get to know them as a friend, if not more later on. Soulmates are your soulmates for a reason and I think everybody as a right to meet their soulmates, but I wish people wouldn’t equate soulmates with romantic love.”

                The teacher walks into the room just as he’s about to respond, so he shuts his mouth and faces the front of the room. The class passes by in a blur, but this time he’s actually paying attention enough to copy down some notes. Afterwards, he catches Zoe’s attention one more time.

                “I just wanted to ask you because I’m trying to find my soulmate right now. My eyes are blue by the way,” he says. He doesn’t wait for her to respond and walks away right after the words are fully out of his mouth.

                When he’s walking through the halls to get to his next class, he passes by a girl that he’s never seen before and it occurs to him that his soulmate doesn’t have to be in one of his classes. For all he knows, his soulmate could be just anybody who walked the same halls as him at the same time. This revelation only serves to complicate matters even more and he holds onto the hope that it’s someone in one of his classes because otherwise he’s going to end up pulling out all of his hair before they can even finish. After they’ve made it through all of the girls, if they still haven’t found the one, then they’ll open it to all girls at the school, Phil decides, but he sure hopes that they finish before they reach that point.

***

You start to lose motivation and hope when after a month and a half of searching, you’re only marginally closer to finding your soulmate. Phil has no leads; all he has are people are can’t be his soulmate and he’s starting to wonder if his soulmate is just somebody he met in passing, which would really suck. But Phil’s still desperate to find the one, so he figures that it’s time he tells more people about what he’s doing. And because he can only name four friends off the top of his head—Dan, Zoe, PJ, and Chris—he doesn’t have many options. Both Zoe and Dan already know and he knows that Dan’s search. He isn’t so sure about Zoe, but he believes that she’ll tell him if she hears anything. That means his only two real options are PJ and Chris and he’s kind of glad that they’re going to know because they’re soulmates and he thinks that they just might understand him better than anybody else.

                Phil’s currently sitting in his room on his bed, with Dan right next to him and PJ and Chris right in front of them.

                “My eyes are blue,” Phil says. He doesn’t know how else to word it without implying that he’s found his soulmate. Dan shoots him a look and he remembers when Dan first saw his eyes. “Well, they’re not just blue, but they’re mainly blue,” he adds to appease Dan.

                “Really?” PJ asks eagerly. “Do you know who your soulmate is?”

                “Yeah,” Chris says, “and if you do, have you had sex with them yet?”

                PJ slapped Chris with the back of his hand and rolled his eyes, his head shaking in disapproval. “I’m sorry; Chris is perpetually horny. You were saying?”

                “I don’t know who they are yet,” Phil answers. “Dan and I have come up with a plan to find her, but so far, we’ve been unsuccessful.”

                “That’s why you guys are here,” Dan chips in. “We were wondering if you knew anybody whose eyes changed around the time Phil arrived here.”

                Phil looks at them with hopeful eyes, but they both shake their heads in unison, crushing the little hope that Phil had that they might be able to help him. He frowns as the message sinks in and he realizes that he’s still exactly where he was before he told them. He doesn’t regret telling them; they are his friends after all, but he wishes that they knew something.

                “We have a friend with coloured eyes,” Chris says.

                “But they have no soulmate and have always had coloured eyes,” PJ continues with an apologetic smile on his face. “I’m sorry we can’t be of any more help right now, but if I hear something, I’ll be sure to tell you.”

                “It’s fine; thanks for telling me,” Phil says sadly.

                His whole body feels heavy, overcome with a melancholy feeling. And he wants to focus solely on how _he_ feels and he wants to be selfish for a few seconds, but he has friends over, so it’ll have to wait.

                “Can we see your eyes?” PJ asks after around a minute of absolute silence.

                “Sure,” Phil says, taking off his glasses. He feels better without his glasses on: he feels as if he’s free without them. There’s no hiding when they’re taken off; there’s no secret about whether or not he’s been in the same room as _the one_ when they’re off and he likes that. He likes feeling like Phil Lester; his glasses take away his identity, but when they’re off, he gets to take it back.

                PJ and Chris are both looking at his eyes with fascinated expressions and Phil feels pride wash through him when he realizes that they’re gawking over _his eyes_.

                “They’re really pretty,” PJ says.

                “Yeah, you could get any girl with those eyes,” Chris adds in suggestively.

                Phil laughs as he replies, “Thank you.”

                “Aren’t they though?” Dan says. “They’re like blue and yellow and so many other colours. I wish I had his colour eyes. Mine suck.”

                Phil doesn’t understand why Dan’s complaining about his eyes when everybody’s eyes start out black and as far as he knows, Dan hasn’t found his soulmate. He likes to think that Dan would have already told him if he had, so he’s pretty sure that his eyes should still be black. He doesn’t say anything though, because it doesn’t really matter anyway.

                They end up playing video games for the rest of the time PJ and Chris are there. Dan doesn’t end up leaving with them, because he’s going to stay the night at Phil’s now.

                They’re in Phil’s room again, sitting on his bed, when Dan says it. “I have brown eyes,” he says copying Phil from earlier. “They’re actually only brown, though. They aren’t brown and green or something. They’re just brown.”

                “Oh, have you met your soulmate yet?” Phil says, genuinely curious and slightly hurt that Dan knows Phil’s current situation in regards to soulmates but he doesn’t know his.

                “No,” Dan says, looking away from Phil and sighing heavily. “I don’t have a soulmate; I’m the friend that Peej and Chris were talking about.”

                It hits him instantly: why Dan hates soulmates so much and why Dan never told him. He wouldn’t want to tell anybody if he didn’t have a soulmate either. He feels melancholy—lifeless even, as if all hope has been sucked out of him—all over again when he thinks about having no one to look forward to in life. Phil spent so much of his life looking forward to meeting his soulmate and now he spends so much of his time looking forward to finding his soulmate that he can’t even imagine never having the opportunity.

                “Oh,” Phil says, his face forming a perfect _O_ -shape. He doesn’t know what to say. He would say that he’s sorry, but he’s sure that Dan doesn’t want to hear that. “I—”

                “Yeah,” Dan says. “It’s why I hate the soulmate system so much. If the soulmate system isn’t flawed, then why don’t I get one? Doesn’t everyone deserve one? I’ve asked myself those questions a time or two. Mainly, I’m just glad that the government doesn’t agree with them because if no one’s supposed to have a soulmate, it makes me feel a little bit more normal.”

                “Dan, I—” Phil starts, stopping when he realizes that he doesn’t have anything to say. So he decides to say the first decent thing that comes to mind. “I’m sorry that I’ve been forcing my issues when my soulmate down your throat; I had no idea.”

                “It’s fine; I’ve gotten used to it,” Dan says, “and I don’t mind that you asked for me to help you with your soulmate. I’m just glad you get a shot at a type of happiness that I never got.”

                “Well, if it would make you feel better, I can be your platonic soulmate,” Phil says.

                “It’s fine,” Dan answers. “You don’t have to offer to be my soulmate. You don’t get to pick your soulmates like that.” He laughs as if he finds the notion absolutely hilarious and after a few seconds, Phil finds himself joining in because it really is hilarious.

***

Phil hates Christmas break. Well, that’s a lie. He actually quite enjoys being away from school for a few weeks, but this Christmas, the break means not being able to search because there isn’t anything for Phil to do. The searching for his soulmate thing is something that he can only do at school. That doesn’t mean that Phil and Dan aren’t going to hang out, however, because Phil’s heading over to Dan’s house right now to hang out.

                He’s slightly afraid that it’s going to feel different without their main focus being on finding Phil’s soulmate, but he’s also hoping that it will strengthen their friendship. So much of their time spent together so far has been dedicated to this search that it’s going to be nice to let loose and relax.

                In his hand he carries a bag with his clothes for the night and his present for Dan. As Christmas is only a few days away, they have decided that they’re going to swap gifts today.

                There’s a light snow on the ground from the previous day and Phil shivers as wraps his arms around himself to keep warm. He could have asked his parents for a ride, but he didn’t feel like it. He likes the way the cold nips at his skin and turns his pale skin into a rose colour. The snow crunches under foot creating a soft melody that follows him all the way to Dan’s house.

                He’s shivering by the time he knocks on Dan’s door and he makes sure to keep one arm wrapped firmly around him. He waits impatiently for the door to open.

                Dan opens the door wearing black sweats with a black t-shirt. He’s dressed only in monochrome, but it suits him and Phil thinks that he looks good. His hair is curly in an adorable way.

                “Hi,” Dan says, pushing the door open further and stepping out of the way to let Phil in. “Did you walk here all by yourself?”

                “Yeah,” Phil says, shrugging off his heavy winter coat. “Is your hair naturally curly or?” he asks because it’s hard for him to keep his eyes off of the pretty twirls and curls. It reminds him of a hobbit.

                “It is,” Dan says. He shuts the door behind them and grabs Phil’s coat, hanging it up for him on a coat hanger. “I usually straighten it.” He messes it up with his hand a little bit and says, “I hate my hobbit hair.”

                Personally, if Phil had Dan’s hair, he wouldn’t straighten it because he thinks it looks better curly and he tells Dan that as they head into Dan’s bedroom. He just laughs back, telling Phil that he wouldn’t want it if he had to live with it, but Phil disagrees. (This is the type of stuff that you do when you’re friends and Phil prefers it to talking about his soulmate with Dan because this feels more relaxing and comfortable and less tense.)

                “Do you want to watch something or play a game?” Dan asks.

                They’re both situated on his bed, sitting so that they’re facing his television. Phil’s shifting a little in his seat but not because he’s uncomfortable; he’s shifting in his seat because this is new. It’s not a bad kind of new, but it’s new nonetheless. Does he expect for them to go the whole night without talking about it? Of course he doesn’t, but it’s not their main focus for once and that’s nice and that’s something new for their friendship.

                Dan’s tapping his fingers on his knee, which is bent slightly as he’s sitting cross-legged, and the sound of his finger tips on his pants is soft, almost unnoticeable, but there’s a lingering silence that allows Phil to hear just that. He’s not sure why he’s paying attention to all the little details, but Dan’s habits seem like something he wants to know. After all, Dan is his best friend and the little details are things you should know about your friends.

                “Watching something sounds fine right now,” Phil says, “but we can play a game later or something.” Since he’s so focused on Dan and everything Dan, he wants to do something that requires little focus and playing a game requires more focus than he wants to use.

                “Sure,” Dan says. He stops his tapping to get off of his bed and turn on the television.

                They end up watching _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ , which happens to be Phil’s all-time favorite T.V. show. When they’re finally done watching it, it’s eight o’clock.            

                “Are you hungry?” Dan says, turning off the television, just as Phil’s stomach rumbles. Needless to say, Phil’s hungry and he says this to Dan and because they’re both in the mood for greasy food, they end up having pepperoni pizza.

                After they’re done eating, Phil suggests playing video games now, as he’s no longer in the mood to watch shows. Well, he didn’t even watch the shows that much, because he was focusing on Dan and how Dan bit his lip in concentration when it got to a tense part and how Dan leaned forward when the scene was particularly interesting and how his face seemed to light up when he was really enjoying it.

                “Do you still want to find your soulmate?” Dan asks as they’re playing Mario Kart while sitting on Dan’s bed.

                “Yeah,” Phil says, struggling to catch up to Dan and take over first place. “I didn’t think it would be this hard or take this long, but they’re my soulmate for a reason and I want to meet them.” Phil fails to catch up before Dan’s crossing the finish line and he lets out a string of fake curse words to show his annoyance at Dan for distracting him, but he’s not mad or annoyed really. He’s a little disappointed that they’ve already reached the point where they’re back to talking about his soulmate again, but he had figured it was coming. Part of him thinks that the curse words are a way to steer the conversation away from the day, but it’s not working.

                Dan doesn’t respond to Phil’s fake curse words; instead, he sets down his controller and turns so that he’s better facing Phil. Phil puts his right beside him so that it’s leaning into the dip of the bed, pressing up against Phil’s leg lightly.

                “Do you want to date her, whoever she is?” Dan says with hesitance, an indistinguishable expression on his face as he nips at his bottom lip.

                “Yeah,” Phil says. “I at least want to give it a shot because she’s my soulmate for a reason, right? And I know some people say that it doesn’t have to be romantic, but for me, it’s always been about it being romantic.” The words are a blur and he’s speaking quickly out of excitement as he imagines his future with his soulmate, but in his imagination, the face is blurred so no details are present. And he sounds like a kid in a candy store; he’s so excited.

                It’s been ups and downs for him ever since his eyes changed and this is definitely an up as the hopelessness is washed away by waves of happiness, leaving only a trail to remember it by. And Phil’s all happy thoughts and smiles, but then there’s the dark cloud looming over head that reminds him that he hasn’t found his soulmate yet and that he isn’t even close to doing so. Phil’s joyfulness deflates in a matter of seconds as the dark clouds prove to be storm clouds that rain on his jubilant parade. The smile on his face dips down into a small frown.

                “What if it doesn’t work out?” Dan says, breaking Phil out of his thoughts, and consequently, the frown deepens as Dan’s words. He might as well be asking Phil what would he do if he didn’t end up happy because the source of his happiness has long been his future with his soulmate.

                But he knows that he doesn’t have to end up loving his soulmate and if he falls in love with someone else, that’s okay. It’s just hard for him to change his mindset after so long of it being a certain way. His obsession with his soulmate is a part of him, a part of how he operates, and to imagine it being taken away is like imaging a completely new Phil.

                “I just hope that me and my soulmate are good friends and that I find the love of my life somewhere else.”

                Dan nods in understanding, the movements quick and small, content smile on his face. The conversation drops after Dan says his words of agreement to tell Phil that he’s onboard with the idea. And it’s almost like Dan’s glad that Phil has a plan for if it doesn’t work out, but Phil chalks it up to Dan just worrying about his friend and doesn’t really think more of it.

                They end up talking until they fall asleep and as Phil steadily grows sleepier—and he assumes that Dan is, too—the conversation between them grows thinner, the words exchanged coming in short sentences with long breaks in between. It’s calming and the whispered words linger in his mind even as he opens and closes his eyes for the last time tonight.

***

After they’ve both had breakfast and shortly before Phil has to go, Phil pulls out the present he got for Dan and hands it to him. It’s wrapped in Christmas-themed wrapping paper that’s covered with tiny Santa Clauses and the words _Merry Christmas_ repeated over and over again on top of red background. Inside is a small _Winnie the Pooh_ bear because when Phil had gone shopping for something for Dan, he had been reminded of the first time they really got to know each other and Dan had mentioned his love for the character. It’s nothing special or elaborate, but it’s thoughtful.

                Dan’s face lights up when he rips the wrapping paper open to find the stuffed animal inside. He throws his arms around Phil’s body and squeezes, saying, “ _Thank you; thank you; thank you_ ,” over and over again until they’re just words with no meaning.

                “You’re Welcome,” Phil says, laughing it off as if it’s nothing. But he knows it’s not because Dan hasn’t brought up Pooh Bear since the first time.

                “God, this is making me feel bad about what I got you,” Dan says, pulling away from Phil shyly, his eyes downcast, looking in the direction of his present. “I hope you like it anyway,” he adds, bending down to pick it up.

                It’s not wrapped like Phil’s is, but it’s in a bag with the words _Merry Christmas_ written on it and it’s overflowing with tissue paper. He pulls out a bear with soft, brown fur and black eyes. He knows that it’s not supposed to be this meaningful gift, but the black eyes remind him of the years that he spent before his blue eyes were revealed to him and it’s further motivation for him to find his soulmate because he’s glad that his eyes aren’t black anymore. He likes the colour that lights up in ways that black never could.

                “I love it,” Phil says, his voice barely above a whisper because he’s so in awe of it. “It’s perfect.” _You’re perfect_ , Phil adds in his head without thinking about it much and even after he’s had a few seconds to process the thought, he doesn’t think about it too much. Of course he’s going to think Dan’s perfect because Dan’s helped him out so much and is still helping him out, he reasons and that’s that.

***

“I’ve been thinking,” Phil says as soon as he walks up to Dan in the hallway, “and I realized that soulmates aren’t something you can force. Obviously, I still want to find them, but I think that it’s okay if we don’t look as hard right now.”

                “Why?” Dan asks, shutting his locker.

                “I don’t know,” Phil answers. “I was just thinking about things over break and I realized it’s important to me but not as important as it used to be.”

                When Phil was younger, before he had any real idea has to why he was forced to wear tinted glasses but after his parents had told him about soulmates, he used to fantasize about finding _the one_. They were always unrealistic daydreams that had about a zero percent chance of actually happening, but it was what had—subconsciously—given him a reason to live. After he had found about the real reason he wore the glasses, he had toned down this obsession in fear of getting in trouble, but the obsession had stayed with him, up until recently.

                “Well, as long as you’re happy,” Dan says, shrugging his shoulders.

                He doesn’t have class with Dan today, so they go their separate ways.

                Luckily enough, he does have a class with Zoe first thing and despite having lost a lot of motivation, he still did want to find his soulmate eventually, whether it be tomorrow or a month from now, and Zoe already knows about his eyes; she just hasn’t been searching yet. He’s a little conflicted and contradicted because even he can’t make sense of why he’s telling her on the very same day that he decides to put off on the excessive searching. Maybe it’s a way for him to feel a little more comfortable about easing up—he’s not sure, but he’s not going to make a big deal about it either.

                He walks into class with a content smile on his face and hikes his backpack up his shoulder a little more. He heads straight for his desk, which is coincidentally right next to Zoe’s.

                “Hey,” he says as he sits down.

                She turns to look at him and gives him a quick smile. “How was your break?” she asks, shuffling the stuff around on her desk.

                “Good,” he says, keeping his answers short to try and move the conversation along. He doesn’t have much time. “How was yours?”

                “It was nice. Wish it wasn’t over yet,” she says as she crosses her legs.

                “Same,” he says and then pauses for a few seconds to make the topic change seem less abrupt. “So, you know how my eyes are coloured, right? Well, I’ve been looking for my soulmate for a while, but I haven’t really got anywhere, and I was wondering if you know anybody whose eyes changed around the time I got here.”

                “I can’t think of anybody right now, but if I hear anything, I’ll tell you. I know a few of my friends have coloured eyes, but I didn’t find out until recently, so I’m not sure,” she says just as the bell rings and she turns back around in her chair to face the front of the room.

                Something that Phil hadn’t realized prior to his eyes changing was that a lot of people are looking for their soulmates. They may not enlist the help of all their friends, but they gossip about it and talk about it and they look, even if they barely do anything at all. He had once thought that he was alone with his opinion, but he has realized that he’s not. And he has doubts that he’ll find his soulmate—so many of them—but it’s comforting to know that he’s not an outcast like he always thought he was.

                At the end of class, Zoe comes up to him to tell him that she’ll make a list and then give it to him once she’s done and see if he recognizes any of them.

                “Take your time,” he says, happy for her help but not in a rush to receive it.

 

Later that day, Phil hangs out with Dan, Peej, and Chris. They’re at the shopping centre because it’s the only thing to do besides play video games at each other’s houses, which is what they normally do.

                Phil’s not worried about being _hush-hush_ about this now that he’s realized searching for your soulmate isn’t as unheard of as he thought. Because of this, he has no problem telling them the news in such a public place.

                Phil has a chicken sandwich in his hand when he decides that it’s the right time to tell them. “My friend Zoe’s going to try and see if any of her friends might be my soulmate.” The conversation up to this point had been nonexistent, the only sound being the distant chatter of everyone around them, so it’s definitely unprecedented, but he couldn’t care less.

                “I thought you were done with that search for now?” Dan asks, putting down his food that he was about to take a bite of.

                “I was,” Phil says while shrugging. “I still am. It’s just, Zoe said she had some friends whose eyes are coloured and she’s going to figure out when they changed.”

                “That’s so cool!” PJ says. “Maybe you’ll be able to find your soulmate soon.”

                “Yeah!” Chris says. “And maybe you’ll be able to—”

                “Please don’t say anything sexual,” PJ says, hitting Chris on his chest with the back of his hand.

                “I wasn’t!” Chris says defensively. “I was just going to say that he might be able to start dating them and I hope that it works out. I swear.”

                “It’s fine,” Phil says. “I’m used to it by now anyway.”

                There’s a part of him deep down that’s working its way to the surface that screams at him that he doesn’t want a romantic soulmate because he already has someone, but he brushes it off. So what if he doesn’t know them yet and so what if they could turn out the opposite of how he’s imagined them. It’s always been them since the beginning. He’s probably getting nervous—that’s all it is. That’s all he’ll allow it to be.

***

It’s a few days later when it finally happens. Up until then, he had been regretting his decision to have Zoe help out because he’s realized that _he’s not ready to find out_. In his head, he can make his soulmate exactly what he wants (well, he’s not even sure what he wants anymore and he tries to avoid picturing his soulmate because it never ends like he wants it to), but this is reality. There’s no changing his soulmate; it’s a take it or leave it situation, and Phil’s not ready to face that.

                He keeps thinking _what if this_ and _what if that_ , and when he hears Zoe mutter those words—“Hey, I think I might have found your soulmate!”—he’s not relieved like he should be.

                He forgets how to speak for a second, and his heart feels heavy, like there’s a weight on his heart instead of his shoulders. Finding out is the end of all the daydreams and silly fantasies.

                “Who?” he says, his voice low and quiet, and it takes everything in him to not let his feelings show. He should be happy—that much, he knows—but he’s not.

                “My friend Cat. Her eyes changed on the same day as yours!” Zoe says, bursting with excitement with a smile so large that it lights up her whole face. She’s practically jumping up and down, and Phil already sees a few people in their class giving them strange looks.

                It takes a few seconds for her to notice the quivering smile on Phil’s face, and her large smile turns into a large frown. “Aren’t you excited? I thought you wanted me to find someone.”

                “I did—and I’m glad you did. I just . . .” Phil says, with no clue as to how he should finish. He shrugs his shoulders passive aggressively. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried that I won’t like them, you know?”

                “Phil, she’s your soulmate for a reason,” Zoe says. It’s almost as if she understands, and when Phil remembers that she’s friends with her soulmate, he knows she does. “And even if you don’t end up dating, you’ll get along just fine, and if you think you like someone else, well . . .”—she gives him a pointed look, almost as if she knows something—“then I’m sure she’ll understand.”

                “I don’t—” 

                “Just give her a chance, okay? I told her to wait at the front of the school afterschool, so please, just give her a chance.”

                “I will.”

                Phil can hardly pay attention for the rest of the day and when Dan meets him at his locker after school, he flashes him a wary smile as he shuts the door to his locker and slings his backpack on.

                “What’s wrong?” Dan asks.

                Phil’s not sure why, but there’s something comforting about seeing Dan. If only it was enough to make Phil feel completely better. Either way, he can’t help but think that this is what it’s supposed to feel like when you’ve found the one and now, he’s even more worried that it’s not going to feel like this.

                “Zoe’s found my soulmate,” Phil answers, but what should be happy, confident tone comes out sad and nervous. It’s amazing how something that once filled Phil with hope has left him feeling hopeless, like nobody understands and nobody ever will and he’s never going to fall in love with his soulmate because he might already like someone.

                _Shit_ , he thinks. _When did his life get so messed up?_

                “Isn’t that a good thing?” Dan says, a confused expression on his face. “I thought you wanted Zoe to find your soulmate.”

                “Yeah, I thought I did, but I don’t know. I think I may want someone else,” Phil says, and in his head, he adds, “ _I think I may want you_.”

                They walk out of the school together, but when Phil sees Zoe in the distance standing next to someone he briefly recognizes from one of his classes, he stops walking and turns to Dan.

                “I think I want to do this alone.”

                “Oh, okay,” Dan says, sounding hurt and somewhat relieved. “Just tell me how it goes later, okay?”

                “Yeah, sure,” Phil says distractedly, his main focus on Zoe and Cat.

                They share byes and then Dan heads off in the direction of the parking lot and Phil walks towards the two girls who are standing right next to a tree near the very front of the schoolyard.

                Zoe starts waving excitedly when she sees Phil and as soon as Phil’s in earshot, she says, “I almost thought you weren’t going to show!”

                Phil smiles, a light blush present on the apples of his cheeks. “Hi,” he says shyly.

                Cat’s beautiful—there’s no denying that—but there’s no spark like Phil always imagined. Simply put, he doesn’t feel anything when he sees her. He likes her brown hair and her green eyes, but he can’t see himself with her. Maybe it’s shallow to base these things purely on looks, but she’s never left a lasting impression on him. He vaguely remembers seeing her gossiping with some of her friends when he walks into class, but besides that, he knows nothing about her and it hits him that this is the girl he’s been daydreaming about.

                “Hey,” she says, her voice confident and clear. “I’m Cat.”

                “Phil,” he says.

                Zoe stands off to the side, just in Phil’s peripheral vision, but his focus is, unsurprisingly, on Cat. It’s like they’re in the middle of a staring competition: both of their eyes locked on the other, practically unblinking as they burn the sight of the other one into their mind.

                “Well, I have to get going, so I’ll just leave you two alone,” Zoe says deviously. Phil’s positive she planned this and he glares at her as she waves and turns to walk away.

                “I’m sorry,” Phil says, brushing his fringe out of his eyes, “but I really don’t know what to do in this situation.”

                “Yeah,” Cat says, playing with the straps of her backpack. “It’s kind of hard to hit it off in two minutes, so I guess we should swap numbers and hang out sometime.”

                “Yeah, I think that sounds good,” Phil says and pulls his phone out of his pocket, handing it to Cat and grabbing hers. Once they’ve finished adding their contact into the other person’s phone, they hand them back.

                “We can figure out the details later,” Cat says, smiling.

                After they’ve said their goodbyes, Phil starts walking home alone.

                Zoe’s previous words about not rushing into anything are screaming in his mind on repeat and he realizes that he doesn’t need this reminder anymore because he has no intention to rush into anything. In fact, he knows that they’re not going to go on a date anytime soon because he really only wants to get to know her. At this point, he’s not even sure if he wants to be in love with her.

                As soon as he gets home, he texts Dan, telling him that he got Cat’s number and he’s going to hang out with her sometime soon, but Dan just responds by saying, “ _Cool_ ,” and leaves it at that. Phil knows it’s silly, but for some reason, he’s glad that Dan doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about it as he had been acting at school. It reassures him that he’s justified in his thoughts and most importantly, it gives him a different kind of hope that he’s not sure he’s ready to explore.

***

When Sunday night rolls around and Dan still has failed to reply with something longer than one word, it seems obvious to Phil that Dan’s mad. He’s sent countless texts, but always comes up short, and there’s simply no other way to explain it.  

                Phil had hoped that he would have his _best friend’s_ support because he’s going on his “date” with Cat tonight and he’s more than a little nervous, but he’s lost hope.

                He’s standing in front of his closet, trying to decide whether or not he should go with something casual, and all he wants to do is talk to Dan. Not even about Cat necessarily. He just wants to talk to Dan. He doesn’t want to talk to PJ or Chris or Zoe or Cat (especially not Cat).

                He’s reminded of when he went over to Dan’s house over Christmas break and he was so worried that they would have nothing to talk about without the thought of Phil’s soulmate looming overhead. It was nice when they were able to work around it, figure out other things to talk about and to do, but now, he’s worried that it’s only ever been about finding his soulmate. It’s ridiculous—why would Dan want to help someone find their soulmate if he had no intention of befriending them when he hated soulmates?—but he can’t think of anything else.

                He feels like a girl, waiting around for his phone to ring and display his name on the screen. It’s this thought that puts together the pieces to a puzzle Phil had tried to bury deep in his mind. For him, it’s always been about finding his soulmate and his soulmate has always been a girl; he had never even considered someone who a) wasn’t his soulmate and b) wasn’t a girl. But now it seems so obvious. Even from the beginning, there was something about Dan that drew Phil to him and now it’s that feeling all over again. Phil doesn’t want Cat or any other girl for that matter; he wants Dan, even if he can’t have him.

                It feels wrong to go on a date (it’s not actually date, but it feels like it should be, feels like Cat’s expecting it to be) when he has feelings for someone else, but it feels even worse to cancel and besides, he reminds himself, Dan wouldn’t want to go on a date with him anyway. He’d probably get freaked out if Phil even brought up his feelings.

                He hasn’t said anything to Cat even though it’s been ten minutes since they sat down. He wants to say something and definitely doesn’t want to seem like a jerk, but it’s hard to speak when you’ve finally accepted that you’re crushing on your friend and it’s even harder to speak when you’re on a date despite your feelings.

                “What’s wrong?” Cat finally asks, her hand covering Phil’s in a comforting manner. “Just because we’re soulmates doesn’t have to mean anything. I mean, there’s a reason they’re so taboo, right? If you hate me or don’t want to be friends with me, just say something.”

                “It’s not you,” Phil says, mentally cursing himself at his wording. It sounds like a break up speech and they’re not even together. Shrugging his shoulders and avoiding eye contact, he starts over: “It’s just . . . I think”—this is a lie; he knows—“I have feelings for my best friend and it just feels wrong to do whatever this is”—he moves his hand back and forth between them—“and I don’t know. That’s the problem: I just don’t know.”

                “Phil, I really don’t want to date you,” Cat says honestly. “I have a boyfriend, which is why I didn’t even tell anybody for the longest time.”

                Phil snapped his head to look at her, their eyes finally making contact. “Why would Zoe set us up if you have a boyfriend?”

                “She doesn’t know,” Cat says. “Obviously, I know she wouldn’t say anything about my soulmate and stuff, you know? Zoe’s not like that, but I couldn’t tell her and leave out everybody else, so I didn’t tell anybody because I didn’t want anybody to think I was giving up on my soulmate.”

                “Well, I guess that makes things easier, because I really don’t want to date you. I thought I did,” Phil says, “but I was wrong. I kept imagining my soulmate and we would always end up together in my mind, but now that it’s actually happening, I don’t know. I guess it was just better off as a fantasy than real life.”

                Cat removes her hand from his, a smile on her face. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.”

                After they finish eating, they sit at the table for a few minutes. Phil taps his fingers, a habit he picked up from Dan somewhere along the way ( _Dan, Dan, Dan_ —he’s everywhere now that he’s realized he likes him).

                “And that friend of yours, whoever they are, you should tell them how you feel; you never know. They might feel the same way,” Cat says, pushing her hair back behind her ear.

                “I don’t want to ruin anything. Let’s say he does like me, then what? What if it doesn’t work out and then it’s awkward between us?” Phil asks.

                “If you guys truly like each other, it’s not going to be over as soon as it starts, and even if it doesn’t work out, you won’t be left wondering what if and it’s okay to have your heart broken. And there’s always the possibility that everything will go fine.”

                “I’ll think about it.”

                “Do more than think about it. The next time you see him—or heck, right after we’re done here—tell him. And once you’ve told him, text me and we’ll meet up again.”

                “Err, okay,” Phil says. He’s still tapping his fingers on the table, but now that he’s nervous, he’s bouncing his leg up and down. He’s determined now. Nervous, but determined, and he knows he can’t keep putting it off or he’ll never get around to it. “I’ll do it right after we’re done.”

***

His determination fades as soon as he’s on Dan’s street. Butterflies dance in his stomach and he has to stop walking a few houses away to calm down, but a blush erupts on his cheek as he thinks of what he’s going to say.

                He’s never had feelings for a guy before. Well, he’s never had feelings for anybody before because he never even gave himself the chance to do so, but the point is he’s experiencing something that he thought was impossible not too long ago. This whole situation is unknown to him and completely unplanned and it’s going to leave a lasting imprint on his friendship with Dan, whether it is good or bad.

                He breathes in and out a few more times, racking his brain for different techniques that are supposed to calm him, but all he’s able to find is evidence to support Dan’s lack of feelings towards him. If Dan likes him, why would he help him find his soulmate, the one person he planned to spend his life with? Dan probably thinks he’s out with Cat right now.

                Without thinking about it, he starts walking again, counting his steps to keep his mind distracted, and before he knows it, he’s right in front of Dan’s door with his hand raised, ready to knock.

                Dan answers the door shortly after he starts knocking. He’s dressed in black pajama bottoms with a black t-shirt on and his hair has started to curl at the ends. His face is covered in shock, his mouth slightly parted, his eyebrows raised.

                “I thought you had your date with Cat today,” Dan says, opening the door up more and allowing Phil to slip in side. The door closes behind them and Phil pulls off his jacket and kicks off his shoes.

                “It wasn’t a date,” Phil says, shaking his head. “And plus, I have something more important to do anyway.” He shrugs his shoulders like it’s nothing.

                “More important than your soulmate?” Dan asks, looking at Phil as if he’s grown another head. “Are you sure you’re still the same Phil that I met back in October because I’m pretty sure he would see things a little differently.”

                “Cat and I decided that we’re better off as friends,” Phil says. He brushes his hair out of his face and sits down on the couch in the living room, struggling to put together his next sentence. “I realized that I like someone else.”

                Dan sits down right next to Phil, so close that they’re almost touching. There’s a heat spreading across Phil’s left side—the same side that Dan’s on—and he loses focus for a second.

                _How didn’t I notice?_ he asks himself. Now, it seems so obvious: the way he’s pulled towards Dan instead of any of his other friends, their quickly growing friendship _, everything_.

                “Who?” Dan asks, his voice cutting through the silence. “I thought you were saving your feelings for your soulmate.”

                Phil takes a deep breath, repeating the same calming techniques from before, and says, “I was, but I ended up giving them to you instead.” He holds his breath as he waits for Dan to piece together what he means and respond.

                When a response doesn’t come after a few long minutes, Phil continues: “I’m sorry—I just.” But he doesn’t even know how to finish that. The words feel heavy on his tongue and foreign, even though they’re all words that he’s said before, just never in the same context. “I guess—”

                Dan cuts Phil off by saying, “You’re so stupid, Phil. There’s a reason I’ve been avoiding you since Zoe introduced you to Cat.”

                There’s some show on the television that Phil’s never heard of, but it’s easy to stare at it and pretend like he’s watching it then focus on the uncomfortable atmosphere.

                A blush rises on his cheeks, more prominent than before, at Dan’s words, and a few of the butterflies leave his stomach, but he still feels like an anxious mess with no idea of how to advance. Does he ask him on a date? He can’t exactly jump to asking him to be his boyfriend, but is he supposed to give it a few days or is he supposed to ask now that he knows the feelings are mutual?

                “Oh,” Phil says stupidly. “I just thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore because you only stuck around to find my soulmate.”

                Phil hasn’t looked at Dan since he sat down, but he turns his head slightly to the side so he can see Dan shaking his head disapprovingly. He quickly turns his head back around when the thought _I could look at him forever_ crosses his mind.

                “Like I said, you’re stupid,” Dan says. “At first, I started helping you because you were my friend and I wanted you to be happy, but then I continued helping you because I realized I didn’t want you to be my friend, but I still wanted you to be happy.”

                “Oh,” Phil repeats, smiling with his head turned down.

                “Yeah, oh,” Dan says.

                They sit in silence for a few minutes, but it’s not awkward; it’s calm. Phil feels the heat radiating off of Dan’s body and laces their fingers together. He doesn’t face his lap or even the television anymore; he faces their fingers and rubs his thumb over Dan’s hand.

                “Would you like to go on a date sometime?” Phil asks, slightly nervous, but more confident than he had been before.

                “I would love to.”

***

A week later, Phil’s stomach is in knots, and he’s filled with anxiety from head to toe. You’d think that he’d be confident with the knowledge that Dan likes him back, but he can’t help but still worry that it’s not going to work, that they’re going to try it out for a little while and ultimately decide that they don’t click.

                He’s going to meet up with Dan at his house in a few hours and they’re going to go to the same diner that Phil and Cat had gone to a week before. At first, Phil had been a little hesitant to suggest the place, but it’s a quaint place with really good food and it’s romantic enough that it won’t seem like two friends hanging out. Or at least, that’s what he hopes.

                The time flies by in a whirlwind of nerves.

                It’s cold out when Phil steps outside with a coat on. There’s a chill in the air and Phil shivers as he walks, partly due to the cold weather but partly due to the nerves. They’re either going to have to walk to the restaurant or take a bus as neither of them can legally drive and no one wants their parents to drive them to their date, which makes Phil second guess his decision to go on a date with Dan even more.

                Dan doesn’t live too far away, but the walk feels like an eternity, but at the same time, it’s not long enough, and before he knows it, Phil’s standing outside of Dan’s house just like had been a week ago (of course, Dan’s expecting him this time around). He raises his fist to knock, hesitating slightly. He doesn’t even get the chance to knock before Dan opens the door, a large, radiant smile on his face.

                “Ready to go?” Dan asks, stepping outside and closing the door behind him.

                He’s wearing black skinny jeans with a nice black t-shirt. It’s a simple ensemble that’s nicely paired with black shoes. Covering his brown eyes, Dan wears the dark sunglasses, which feel to lifeless for such a romantic moment, and Phil automatically goes to push his glasses up his nose, wishing that he could just take them off without having to worry about what people might say.

                “Sure,” Phil says, smiling.

                They walk to the bus stop right next to each other, their hands brushing together, but they keep their mouths shut and no conversation passes between the two. Dan’s heat radiates off his body and scorches Phil, despite the dropping temperature, and he fights the urge to reach out and grab his hand with every step.

                The bus ride is just as tense. It’s not as crowded as it would have been a few hours ago, but they still end up sitting close together, their sides pressed up against each other.

                Phil struggles to catch his breath because of Dan’s proximity, but he breathes in and out, reminding himself that they both like each other and this isn’t a one-sided thing.

                The restaurant is only a ten minute ride and when they get off, Phil finally reaches down and grabs Dan’s hand, pulling him along hurriedly to escape the freezing weather.

                The diner is warm with the smell of coffee lingering in the air and Phil breathes in deeply, no longer struggling to relax. He guides Dan to a booth on the opposite side of where he and Cat had previously sat. It’s right next to a huge window that’s covered in a layer of frost.

                Phil takes off his coat, setting it down in between him and the wall.

                No one ends up talking until after they’ve order their meals.

                “This doesn’t have to be awkward,” Dan says, moving his hand to cover Phil’s. “I really like you.”

                “I really like you, too,” Phil says, smiling.

                “So, you never really told me much about how you and Cat are getting along.”

                “Do you really want to talk about my soulmate while we’re on a date?” Phil asks. He would have thought that Dan would have wanted to avoid this topic considering he used to want to date his soulmate, so he’s momentarily flabbergasted as his brain tries to figure it out.

                “It’s important to you, so I want to hear it.”

                Phil shrugs his shoulders. “There isn’t much to say. We haven’t talked all that much, but we say hi to each other when we see each other. Kind of makes me question the whole soulmates thing considering we aren’t very close, but I guess it’s just one of those things you can’t rush and hopefully we’ll grow closer over time.”

                “Are you glad you spent all that time looking for her?”

                “Well, it brought me closer to you, so I guess I am.”

                Conversation flows easily between the two and is only interrupted briefly when the waiter brings their food out to them. They bounce around from topic to topic; they talk about video games, school, soulmates, among other things.

                Phil had been so worried that the date would go horribly wrong that he never stopped to consider that it would be perfect, and that’s exactly what it is: perfect. There are no awkward silences or pause where no one knows what to say. They just talk, their fingers laced together and resting on the tabletop.

                It isn’t until they’re back at Dan’s house that Phil does the one thing that’s been on his mind the whole night. With Dan leaning up against the front door, Phil presses his lips to Dan’s. There are no fireworks, but there’s a warming sensation that starts in his lips and spreads throughout his whole body. It’s over as soon as it starts, but the moment seems to stretch on forever and when Phil pulls away and opens his eyes, he notices a faint, rosy blush on Dan’s cheeks.

                Phil can’t help but think that the whole situation would feel so much more intimate if he could look into Dan’s eyes right now.

                There’s something about the way that Dan’s leaning against his door, with Phil’s arms on either side of his head that tells Phil this is the moment. He could wait until they had gone on a few more dates; he’s sure that’s how most people do it, but they’ve known each other for a while now and Phil’s ready to give it a shot if Dan is.

                “Will you be my boyfriend?”

                “Yes,” Dan says, a happy and energetic tone to his voice, smiling, “I would love to.”

 

Phil thinks he finally understands why his soulmate was such an important concept for him for so long. Growing up, he never had many friends, and the few friends he did have weren’t good, which is why he hasn’t talked to them since he left, but thinking of his soulmate gave him hope. The thing is, now he doesn’t need that hope. He has Dan and PJ, Chris, Zoe, and Cat. And his life is better than he had imagined because in his fantasy, it was always him and his soulmate with no one else, but now it’s him and his soulmate and _his boyfriend_ and his friends. It almost feels like letting go a part of him, but it’s a part of him that he doesn’t need anymore, so he happily lets it go. He has everything he needs.


End file.
